Zero chronology

I’m way behind so I’m tossing aside any grammatical or honesty editing. Tom and Mo’s Excellent Adventure- Coviday- A while back. There is zero chronology to these latest posts. It’s like I have a final tomorrow and I’m just throwin shit out there. Anyone considering replicating our travails hither and yon, might I make a suggestion based on all the wisdom 5 weeks on the road in an empty RV you just purchased 2 days prior to leaving can bring? Do yer frikken homework. Investigate RV sites. Learn the telltale signs of photoshop and Russian/Texan interference.

Well, we left the security of our Austin trailer park/enclave in the trusty hands of our long time, full time friends the Karr family on Wednesday. I passed the trimming baton of 4 month dead overgrown awning obstacles to Jeff. They will most likely be there for a few more days trying to dislodge their coach from the surrounding coaches, dead foliage and the estuary left by a leaking hose bib. We will, of course pray for them.

Yesterday we had the immense pleasure of camping on a failed dirt farm. The crop yield this year was horrible. If you’ve ever seen Oklahoma dust bowl historical photos, that’s close.

This am we drive 8.5 hrs to Feenix where it is currently magma Fahrenheit. (Blast furnace Celsiusfor our science friends) Fortunately for us it’s a dry heat. Very similar in fact to an out of control dry foliage engulfing hillside fire. On the way here the temperature was rising from a moderate 70 to 450 until crispy to the touch. To add to this marvelous bit of solar radiation convection, the coach AC failed for a brand new different reason. It’s a Winnebago highly guarded secret. (I cracked the code) At about 100 degrees the ass soup was overwhelming. Farts started sounding like drowning manatees. Including the dogs flatus. I got a number and called a Freightliner warranty center. It’s a recall issue. Bring it in, Karl said. I thought, just for S & G I’ll try the AC again. The fear of being brought in or foxhole size I-10 divots shook it back to life. Ahh. Simple pleasures! And then, pleasure denied.

Coviday- A while back

Tom and Mo’s Excellent Adventure- Coviday- A while back. It’s amazing what you can encounter whilst traveling this great country of ours! During our departure from Key West to Cocoa Beach, we were hammering along, making great time until we encountered an ominous cloud of grey and black smoke wafting across our pending path. We thought it couldn’t be a forest fire, it’s too green down here. As it turns out (Artistic Lic #420-69) the Florida DEA had made a controversial decision to do open burns of illegal pot crops. Long story, lightly trimmed of excess fat, what should have taken 20 minutes to drive through took, we estimate, 4-6 hours. We’re not 100% sure. It might have been 2 days. Also noteworthy- We are the proud new owners of Sunschein German Pastries and Pavlov’s Ice Cream and Confectionery.

Observations from the Road

Tom and Mo’s Excellent Adventure- Coviday- About a whatever ago. Observations from the road. Southern version. We have discovered in our travels of the south- There is no shortage of debris farmers. And rust collectors. There’s enough fireworks available to fend of an invasion of pretty much any hostile country. Or zombies. Probably all the zombies. There’s countless bridges that freeze over before the roadway. (I could have retired 20 years ago with that sign contract! Better yet I’m starting a GoFundMe page for South West Bridge Blankets. Despite any visible evidence of carnage, there must be a 1:2 accident ratio for drivers on the highway! With plenty of evidence, there’s a 4:1 attorney to injured ratio. Waffle Houses. Nothing more to say. Well okay but because you asked. If you have a 40’ RV you eat at 2 and not move your coach. I’m convinced you could walk of a Waffle House in a rainstorm into another one without getting wet. There’s an interesting cottage industry of crime scene and hoarding clean up. Who knew? And if you’re traveling this route don’t forget exit 374. The Cafe Risqué. Strip club/truck stop. Apparently Ivy is the nicest and easy to talk to when she brings out your Caesar salad naked. The corned beef hash is nasty AF-Yelp.

Coviday whatever 3

Tom and Mo’s Excellent Adventure- Coviday whatever. Finally made it to Nawlins. Pontchatrain Landing to be exact. The site is awesome. Outdoor grill. Tiki gazebo and hot tub! We didn’t find out until this morning we’re also parked across from a noise factory. I’m guessing the early shift starts at 5am. Who the fuck knows what they’re making besides racket. Had hewn wheelbarrows, trash can lids or really shitty cymbals came to the top of the list. Who knew? Well they sure as hell did. Curse the Noise Assemblers Union!

40 days and 40 nights

Tom and Mo’s Excellent Adventure- Coviday whatever. 40 days and 40 nights. I feel like Moses trying to get through Texas. The long travel day does give me time to ponder life and all it’s mysteries and well, just stupid shit that pops into my road weary noggin. This is what popped in. Unannounced. I’ve read or heard all the advice from “experts” on how to deal with encounters with dangerous predators. If it’s a mountain lion, make yourself look as big as possible. A bear? Don’t run. Curl up. Shark? Don’t disparage his lineage I think. I’ve come up with a universal answer. Very simple. Makes perfect sense. Do your best and try not to look delicious. You’re welcome.

Coviday Whatever2

Tom and Mo’s Excellent Adventure- Coviday Whatever2 Still no murders but read on. Out of sequence but that’s how my brain works. It’s like making a margarita with no specific recipe or what it will taste like. Ya know it’s gonna do the job so, pour on! I had this childhood dream last year of traveling across the country in an RV. Well now further into my childhood and winner of the 40 year 80 hour work week lottery, I’m finally able to embark on my journey. (Pray for me. Even if you’re a born again atheist, say some good shit to guarantee my full return! Santeria need not apply) Should the romantic idea of shuffling across the US of A enter your irrational brain, have another drink instead and pretend you went. (I’ll send picture proof so you can still share the story) There’s a few things no one tells you about but you know I sure as f will. So I noted at the start, no murders but the I40 did nearly kill us. Notes from the road- There’s a lot of people that don’t seem to mind living right next to the freeway. Maybe they’re all related or a cult I can’t say for sure but I do know they like to collect rusty artifacts. Lots of em. They also like sheds. Probably to store more rusty artifacts. I’m guessing the the entire value of all the roadside “treasures” is probably around $12.50. I’ve coined a new phrase for our roadside iron oxide collectors:“Debris farmers” copyright-Phraselicious (Feel free to use it at your next bridge party)Next- This part of the I40 is not paved with anything resembling smooth anything. Bad intentions at best. You have not experienced anxiety, stress or loose teeth and soiled undergarments until you’ve driven from Havasu to Grand Canyon on a windy day in a garage sized vehicle. I’m convinced the government paid top dollar for the crappiest, most unstable road building products possible. I’m imagining some Federal Highway official looking at a list of the materials used. Used potholes, check. Unclaimed speed bumps, check. Various un- sorted rubble, check. Is that the kind that deteriorates quickly? Oooh give us more. Miscellaneous geologic remnants and anomalies, ooh! Double check. To really grasp the experience in full pants soiling splendor, follow these simple guidelines. Find an underpowered 35,000 lb drivable garage with bad visibility. Make sure the drivers side rear view mirror is doing a Linda Blair impersonation. Also make sure the steering wheel is connected to the front tires through a bowl of pudding. If you’re mechanical, an idler arm made of rubber tie downs will have the same effect. Holding a driving line is for pussys. Hang on whiney bitch. When you steer nothing should happen for a few seconds. Next, loosen everything attached to the garagecar so it rattles and vibrates like an unbalanced load of tennis shoes in a dryer. There’s more. For now- Everything is bigger in Texas. Including I.C. Tidty Peak. Like a cheap ass, I bought a cheap word plan and I’ll….